Relationship Energetics, Part II

In the previous segment, I talked about how the programming we carry creates an “energetic script” that we unconsciously broadcast and that others unconsciously pick up and respond to. This segment gives one answer to the question “So what can we do about it?”

Let’s look at an example. Imagine you are engaged, yet again, in an interaction with another person that is less than wonderful. It could be a partner, a child, or a co-worker.

The first step (this is the easy one) is to acknowledge that you are both reading lines in an energetic script created by your programming. You don’t need to know what it is, just acknowledge it is happening.

The second step (this may be harder) is deciding that you are going to do what you can to change the situation by clearing whatever programming is contributing to the script. Notice I didn’t say anything about effective communication skills, discussing who is at fault, talking about your feelings, or bringing the script to the other person’s attention. That’s because the technique you are about to use has nothing to do with the other person whatsoever. It has to do with you and you alone.

Ho’oponopono is a Hawaiian healing technique that means “bringing into balance” or “making right.” It can be used in a number of ways, but it is particularly useful for helping to heal the parts of ourselves that get stuck in unhelpful or unproductive relationship patterns. The fundamental concept is that our internal reality (our unconscious programming) is directly related to what we experience as our external reality. When we change our internal reality, what we experience as external reality also changes.

The four traditional ho’oponopono statements are:


I’m sorry                 Please forgive me               Thank you              I love you


The key to using ho’oponopono effectively is in understanding the meaning of the four statements, which is very different than you might think.

When we think about apology and forgiveness, we usually think of it in terms of another person. In ho’oponopono, these statements are not meant to be said to another person. If what is occurring in our external reality is a reflection of our internal reality, then apologizing to or asking forgiveness from anything in our external reality misses the mark.

When you use these statements you are speaking to the part of yourself that carries the program, vibration, memory, or belief that contributes to your part in the energetic script you are both reading from.

The statements as I have come to understand and use them go something like this:

I’m sorry for contributing to a situation where we have both become separated from our divine selves. Please forgive me.

Thank you for allowing me to see this situation so that I can clear whatever unconscious program, vibration, memory, or belief that is contributing to it.
I love you (pretty self explanatory).

Take a few deep breaths, allow yourself to disengage from the story of the interaction, let yourself relax into the feeling of the interaction, and say the statements from there.

In my experience, this process is so powerful because we are allowing ourselves to acknowledge, forgive, and love those memories or beliefs rather than ignoring them or trying convince ourselves they don’t exist. It is the resistance that keeps the energy patterns locked in place and keeps us stuck in the loop of emotional reactivity.

By telling that part of yourself “I get it, something is unresolved,” and using the statements with the intention to heal it, the energy patterns and the programming can begin to shift and clear and as a result, your energetic script just naturally changes.

This may be a difficult concept to grasp. I know it was for me. It took me a while to really understand how to work with the statements, but once I did, my experience of “reality” completely changed. Does that mean that I can transform everyone around me in exactly the way I think they should transform? That would be nice (just kidding!) but this is not about control; it’s about allowing your energy patterns to transform so that something new can evolve. Maybe the other person will change and maybe they won’t, but either way, your experience of your life changes.

I have seen amazing things happen when people use ho’oponopono. Long-standing difficulties or constant irritations often seem to somehow just vanish. Sometimes the issues never even need to be discussed, because the relationship just naturally moves into a more harmonious and peaceful place.

I want to repeat what I said in the previous article that this is not about condoning someone’s bad behavior, allowing someone to treat you in a way that is hurtful or harmful, or “blaming the victim” for having caused a situation to happen. It is simply a technique you can use to work at an energetic level with the unconscious parts that are out here engaging in the world in ways that do not support you.

The beauty of ho’oponopono is that you don’t need to fully understand it for it to work. You just need to use the statements with the intention to clear and heal whatever unresolved “stuff” in you is contributing to the situation and then let God, Source, the Universe, or whatever name or concept you use do the rest. It can even be used to help good relationships get better!

It takes courage and discipline to take responsibility for healing our part in the energetic conversations we are participating in. It is not always easy, but the rewards are enormous. The more we learn to clear the programming we carry, the less we feel like victims and the more we can consciously participate in the process of our own evolution.



Judy Grupenhoff, MS, teaches classes and works in person and by telephone. Using a variety of techniques, she helps individuals get “unstuck” from unhealthy and unproductive patterns so that their lives can be happier and healthier on all levels and they can make positive, lasting change. For more information or to contact Judy, visit her Web site, The Power Center.